Growing up is hard to do
by Nishe-W
Summary: Harry and Draco are having a baby, and they have no idea what they are doing. Hilarity ensues. Written as a pinch hit for the harrydracompreg fest over on LJ. Just a short, fluffy, hopefully funny o/s that you'll enjoy!


**Written for the 2013 harrydracompreg fest as a pinch hit over on LiveJournal.**

**Title:** Growing up is hard to do.

**Author:** Nishe-W

**Prompt:** Harry and Draco are having a baby, and they have no idea what they are doing. Hilarity ensues.

**Word Count:** Approx 3,000

**Rating:** T

**Contains:** Hysterics, humour and panic!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter characters are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

**Epilogue compliant?** Nope!

**Who is pregnant?:** Harry

**Notes:** Many, many thanks and hugs of gratitude to the fabulous drarryisgreen for beta'ing, and to the mods for putting on this brilliant fest!

**Summary:** Exactly what the prompt says, they're having a baby and have no idea what to do. I guess they'll just have to learn along the way! :)

* * *

**~ HP-DM ~**

"Sorry, what?"

"I'm- the Healer said the puking and the changes in taste and the aching joints... that it's- they're not symptoms of an extreme version of Wizard's Flu. I'm pregnant."

"..."

"Draco?"

"Please tell me you're joking, and the actual news is something much better. Like the return of the Dark Lord, or the Muggles have found out about us and are conducting Witch Trials even as we speak, or-"

"Oh, stop overreacting!" Harry scowled at his husband. "A baby is a good thing. Unexpected, but still good. Honestly, you make it sound like it's the end of the world."

Draco paled. "Just wait until my mother finds out. It just might be."

* * *

Draco stared at Harry like he'd grown a second head. "Explain to me again why we need to start watching what we spend."

Harry sighed impatiently. "I told you. A Hogwarts education isn't exactly easy on the pocket, we need to be prepared! The baby's going to be here much sooner then we think, and the years will just fly by-"

Draco had to resist the urge to give his husband a strong shake. "We are two of the wealthiest wizards alive today. As heirs to the Malfoy and Potter Estates, our combined fortunes probably make us the wealthiest couple in the Wizarding World. There is no need for us to 'save up' - not even if we had fifty children. And you are only two months pregnant. If we did need to save up, now is not the time to start stressing about it. Wait until the baby's actually here."

"But-"

"But nothing. No more fretting and worrying over imaginary money woes. Leave that to the Weasley's." Draco's sneer was in full force, but it had the effect he'd wanted it to, the anxiety left Harry's eyes as he scowled and stuck his tongue out petulantly.

"You promised you'd stop winding Ron up with taunts like that."

Draco smirked. "He's not here to hear it, is he? And actually, I promised I'd try to stop. Besides, it's good practice for when the baby's older and arguing with his or her siblings."

* * *

"Idiotic... knew the Ferret couldn't be trusted... no chance for Harry and Ginny now..."

"Ginny's been married to Dean for three years!"

"Evil scheming bastard..."

"Ron..."

"Evil ferrety git-"

"Honestly, Ronald!"

"Bastard Malfoy-"

Draco rolled his eyes as Ron continued to rant and rave and Harry and Hermione tried to calm him down. They'd decided to announce the news about their little bundle of joy at the Weasley Sunday lunch, and while the rest of the family was taking it well - if dead silence could be considered 'well' - Ron was a little more vocal in his congratulations.

In fact, the scene was strongly reminiscent of the announcement of their engagement.

Draco grinned.

* * *

_Wham!_

"Ow! What was that for?!"

Draco barely dodged the second cushion that was headed in the direction of his head, and had to cast a speedy iProtego/i in order to avoid being hit by Harry's next choice of projectile - the Ming vase his mother had given them as a wedding gift - as he dodged the heavy Dragonhide boot that had whipped towards him, seemingly out of nowhere, stirred up by Harry's ire and anger.

"You laughed! How dare you have the gall to laugh, you great, bloody prat! This is _not_ a laughing matter!"

"I didn't la-"

"You were going to! I could see it on your smug, pointy face, you- you- _wanker_!"

"Now, I hardly think using so much profanity is necessary-"

The second boot soared towards him and Draco ducked with a small yelp as his pregnant and irrationally angry husband huffed at him, face red and arms crossed over the baby bump that seemed to have doubled in size in the two weeks he'd been away on business.

"This is not a laughing matter! I am five months pregnant, and I'm a _man, a pregnant man_, and I don't need this kind of stress, and now I find out that we're having not one but _two_ babies, and that's why I'm as big as a house already despite the fact that I haven't been pigging out, and you think-" Harry's voice was becoming choked and hysterical, and Draco felt his gut churn as Harry's lower lip began to wobble and his breathing hitched. "You think that- that this is funny. That I look like I've eaten a baby elephant or something because- because-" Oh yes, and now Harry was definitely on the cusp of tears, and Draco was _fucked_.

"No, no, Harry, I-"

"Because of course, being _Harry Potter_ means nothing can go normally and so not only do you knock me up the duff when we said _no_ kids, but you knock me up _twice_! And the Healer said that it means the pregnancy is even more risky, and so-" Tears began to leak down Harry's cheeks and Draco began to panic. "And- and-"

"Harry, no, no, love, I didn't mean to laugh-"

"And the potions aren't helping, and my stomach is too big and awkward and it's keeping me awake at night and I can't see my feet and I need to pee all the time and I can't even have sex any more because it's so damn uncomfortable regardless of the position, but you laughed because you think that it's_ all just so funny!_"

And then Harry sat down heavily in the middle of the floor and burst into tears.

* * *

"I need more soup!"

"Please tell me you don't mean that disgusting cream of mushroom or minestrone or whatever the hell it is."

Harry glared at the back of Draco's head. "Yes, I'm the pregnant one, remember?! What the pregnant man wants, the pregnant man gets."

Draco grimaced but stood to get it anyway.

"And don't forget the pickle and sardine sandwiches! Branston, if we have it!"

Draco's face turned a little green. "Your cravings are atrocious." _Please don't let him want anything else. I thought this was a myth women made up to try and gain sympathy or to gross their husbands out so they didn't knock them up again._

"And don't forget the rum and raisin ice cream!"

"Even though that's the most normal thing you've asked for, you can't have it. No alcohol allowed - Healer's orders."

"But-"

"No. I put up with all the other disgusting choices, but _no_ alcohol. Not even if it probably won't do any harm or isn't the real thing like in that ice cream."

"Fine," Harry looked grumpy for all of ten seconds. "I'll have raspberry ripple instead, with onion rings fried with crushed garlic."

"With a side order of chewing gum and mouthwash?" Draco added hopefully.

"Oh no," Harry looked horrified. "Mint makes me feel sick. You know I like to savour the taste of what I'm eating, especially since there's no more all-morning-all-day-sickness to ruin it. Ooh, in fact, will you add some of those sour cream and onion Pringles we bought the other day?"

"Sure thing, sweetheart. What the pregnant man wants, the pregnant man gets."

"Oh, and maybe later…"Harry's smile turned coy as he caught Draco's hand and began to play with his fingers. "Maybe later we could..." He trailed off seductively and Draco's stomach lurched uncomfortably even as he tried to muster up a weak smile for his amorous partner.

iIf you think I'm ever kissing you again, you've got another thing coming./i

* * *

"Ouch! Why'd you hit me? That _hurt_!"

Harry growled and pulled back his fist for another punch as Draco backed away. "Come back here you coward! You think that's pain? I'll show you pain!"

Draco squeaked and Healer Worth hid a smile. "Now, now, Mr Potter-Malfoy, you should be more supportive. Labour is a very difficult process and he needs your encouragement and help to get through it." She gave him a firm shove and grinned fully as he stumbled forward, back towards the bed. "No backing away Mr Potter-Malfoy."

"But he'll kill me!"

"Damn right!" Harry yelled from the bed! "Because this is killing me! _This_ hurts!"

The continued yelling and swearing didn't seem to faze Healer Worth who smiled brightly at Harry. "Now, Mr Potter-Malfoy, it'll be much better for you if you stop yelling for a few moments, you're going to need to save the energy. It's almost time for you to start pushing."

"_WHAT_?!"

She smiled patiently. "Time to push, Mr Potter-Malfoy."

"But- but- I thought... A c-section?.."

"Oh no, Mr Potter-Malfoy. We only use a caesarean section when absolutely necessary, like we do with witches. You'll try to give birth naturally and we'll look at other options if they're needed."

Harry paled, and then glared at Draco when he snickered. "But _where_... where's the baby going to-" Harry swayed and paled further at the Healer's strangely serious expression. "You- you mean..."

_Thud_.

* * *

"Ugh! Harry! What _is_ this?! It's _disgusting_!"

"It's a dirty nappy, Draco. I pushed them out," Harry winced. "You can do the changing. And _no_ house elves this time."

"How the fuck am I supposed to-"

"Watch your language in front of the babies!"

"Liberty and Alastor are three days old. Saying 'fuck' a few times isn't going to do any damage."

"Better to cut the habit now rather than to try and stop later when they start to talk."

"I'll stop swearing the day you start doing all their nappy changes."

"Are you crazy?! It's disgusting and that shit stinks!"

* * *

"Do these jeans make me look fat?"

Draco looked up from the pages of the Prophet he'd been scanning over and frowned. "Only when you try to do up the top button."

Harry glared at him. "You're an arse. I liked you better as a ferret."

"Hey! That was uncalled for!"

"So was rubbing my face in the fact that I haven't lost all the baby weight yet!"

"You asked for my opinion!"

"You're supposed to soothe away my insecurities, not add to them!"

"How was I supposed to know that?"

"It was in the article Hermione gave you to read while I was pregnant!"

"Oh." Draco smiled abashedly at Harry. "Then those jeans do _not_ make you look fat."

_Whap_!

The newspaper rolled up and whacked him across the head as Harry grumbled.

"Prat."

* * *

"You didn't paint the nursery?!"

"..."

_"You didn't paint the nursery?!"_

"Was I supposed to?"

"You were supposed to do it months ago!"

"Oh."

"Oh? _Oh_? That's all you can say? You've been whinging ever since they were born about the fact that Al and Libby sleep in our room, but now, three months later, you still haven't even gotten their room ready so they can sleep in there!"

"We could do it tonight?"

"We? What _we_?"

"You and I-"

Harry laughed. "No. _You_ will be doing it. The babies can't be around paint fumes, so Libby, Alastor and myself will be staying at the Burrow until you've painted and assembled all the furniture and done what you _should_ have done while I was pregnant in preparation for _your_ children's arrival." He stalked over to the cupboard where they'd stowed all the tins of paint and other various baby items when they'd bought them. "Here's everything you'll need."

"But-"

_Slam!_

Draco sighed and picked up a paint roller before staring at it in confusion. "How do you _use_ one of these?"

* * *

"Come on, Alastor, it's not that bad-"

_Wahhhh_!

"Please stop cry-"

_Ahhhh_!

"Harry!"

"What?"

"Alastor won't stop crying!"

"Then soothe him until he stops!"

"He iwon't/i stop!"

"Think of it as a test, I'm busy with Libby right now!" Harry yelled back from downstairs. Draco huffed. "And no trying to use Legilimency again to try and find out what's wrong either!"

Draco stared down at his son who'd stopped screaming in favour of glaring up at his father with tiny slitted grey eyes.

"What's wrong, Alastor? What do you want? This is the fifth time this week... What do I need to do?"

Satisfied that he had his father's full attention again, Alastor burst into noisy sobs, small fists waving around haphazardly and face fully red as Draco held his squirming body awkwardly.

"What do you need? I changed your nappy, fed you, burped you... I made sure you're warm and comfortable. You've had your nap, what's wrong? I don't speak baby!"

More wails filled the air and Draco groaned.

_Why the fuck don't babies have an off switch?_

* * *

"Is it too soon to buy them a pet?"

"Harry, they're not even four months old."

"It was just a suggestion. We don't have any except your stuffy old owl-"

"Archimedes is a prized pedigree owl, thank you very much, not _old and stuffy_."

Harry snorted. "Still, the babies can't play with an owl."

"They don't need to, they're _babies_!"

"But a kitten or puppy-"

"Is more responsibility for us. No pets until Alastor and Liberty can take care of them themselves."

"What about a goldfish?

"No."

"Guinea pigs?"

"No."

"Chinchillas?"

"No."

"A ferret!"

Draco's glare soured and then intensified. "_No_."

"Ooh, I know!" Harry grinned. "What about an iguana?"

Draco stared at him blankly. "What the fuck is that?"

"Oh forget it. We'll just stick with your stuffy old owl."

* * *

"She just spat her food at me!" Harry sounded outraged and Draco snickered as miniature green eyes stared up at Harry defiantly.

"Yeah, she's a bit of a fussy eater sometimes."

"It's mashed potato! Her favourite!"

Draco snorted. "Obviously, not today."

"What do you mean 'not today?' That's a contradiction in itself if it's supposed to be her favourite food!"

Draco shrugged. "Try adding some mashed banana to it." Harry goggled at him and Draco stared back challengingly. "She likes it."

"You can't add mashed banana to mashed potato!"

"Of course you can!"

"No you can't! That goes against every rule out there!"

Draco snorted. "So does a man getting pregnant and having twins, yet here we are. If it makes her eat then what's the problem?"

"She's not supposed to be eating banana and potato mixed together!"

"Says who?"

"Me!"

Draco smirked. "From the copious amount that's been spat at the walls and floor, and fed to her hair and face rather than her mouth, I don't think Liberty agrees with you. But," he held up his hands, "if you say that's how things should be then who am I to argue?" He moved to pick up Alastor but thought better of it when he grumbled ominously. "You can have grumpy too. He's changed and fed so I'm leaving before he decides to start screeching at me _again_. Let me know how feeding Liberty goes."

* * *

"You look exhausted." Draco ran a hand through Harry's hair which even seemed to be limp and dull. "I'll take the children to visit Mother. She's been making noise about seeing them again, and you know she's never going to come over here unless it's a life or death situation."

"Are you sure? We can have a ni-" Harry yawned. "-ce night in, just the four of us."

Draco chuckled. "Go and get some sleep. Your eyes are drooping like mad and you deserve a night off." He pressed a light kiss to Harry's lips and then turned to leave the room. "I expect you to be fast asleep in bed by the time I've packed the twins up ready to leave."

"M'kay," Harry yawned again as he shuffled out of the front room. "Thank you, for this."

Draco grinned at his back. "You're welcome. But don't get used to it. This is a one off!"

Harry's laugh floated down the stairs, followed by, "I love you."

Draco smiled, "I love you too."

* * *

"Draco, this is a lovely surprise." Narcissa had Liberty in her arms and was cooing at Alastor before Draco could even blink.

"It's good to see you too, mother. Harry's at home, I said I'd give him a night to himself and bring the twins to see you."

Surprisingly, Alastor didn't put up a fuss when Draco carefully picked him up. The surprise must have shown on his face because Narcissa smiled smugly. "I told you you'd settle into it and things would become easier."

Draco nodded. "I know, but I still worried that he'd never be happy when it was me rather than Harry. All he normally does is scream and cry in my arms unless Harry comes over or I feed him. This is probably a stroke of luck."

Narcissa shook her head. "Babies are fickle sometimes. Though he looks mostly like Harry with the unruly hair and his facial features other than his eyes, he's a lot more like you than you think. You did the exact same thing to your father and for nearly double the length of time. I remember him yelling at the top of his voice and causing such a commotion once because you'd bitten him."

Draco's eyes widened and his mother laughed. "So don't worry. Alastor just needed time to get over his grumpy phase. Now he'll be fine and you will too, dear."

This time his mother's gaze caught his and held it. "You are _nothing_ like your father, nor is Harry anything like his Muggle relatives, so don't feel like you're repeating their mistakes any time you feel off balance. You're a new parent, it's part of the journey. You can't plan the way you'd want, and children always find a way to change your expectations into something different but worthwhile all the same. You and Alastor aren't at each other's throats tonight."

Draco smiled down at his so who had fallen asleep peacefully in his arms and smoothed a hand over his black hair. "From what you've just said, I think we've come to an understanding."

Narcissa smiled. "Or perhaps you're all just growing up."

* * *

**~ THE END ~**

* * *

**If you liked it I'd really appreciate some feedback! If you want to read more of my Drarry you can find it on my livejournal account under the name Nishe_W. Thanks for reading!**


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